New Shows: True Blood

True Blood
Hermes: The newest creation by the man behind Six Feet Under and American Beauty, True Blood has gotten a lot of critical acclaim and favorable reviews by respected mortals. And we must say, we are mystified as to why. We watched the pilot, and we didn’t see one thing in it we liked.
Hephaestos (Plot): The first premise, the foundation of True Blood's world, is interesting. Vampires come into the open when the chirurgeons, followers of Asklepios, develop synthetic human blood. The second premise is stranger and a shaky foundation: a Southern waitress is telepathic. She hears thoughts, and cannot shut them out, finding herself terribly burdened by constant bombardment by the thoughts of everyone around. Hence, is instantly attracted to a vampire who comes to town, because she cannot hear his thoughts. This romance would be hard-pressed to sustain a series, and there is little else of substance that occurs in this show -- its pace is very slow. Very little. Happens. In any. Given. Episode. Like watching. Steel. Harden. Plot: 1
Zeus (Character): Romance. Romancing. SEX. Vital components of almost any story, and certainly many of my own. It is a strong, but difficult, relationship on which to hang a story. It depends on a man and a woman (or a woman and a God, or two women, or a man and a goat...) who complement each other, who have what Aphrodite calls "chemistry." In television, the actors must also have this "chemistry." Series leads Sookie and Bill (Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer) have NONE! Their romance is not even synthetic, it is IMAGINARY. We must believe Sookie when she raves about Bill to others, but I see no interest between them in their scenes together (and I see ALL!) The other characters are the oldest archetypes -- in a tired, overused fashion: The flamboyantly gay cook; the sassy Black best friend (oh, the Carthaginian jokes we had in my day...); the rash brother, and the saintly grandmother. For making me hate mortals, even Anna Paquin (who must expect a visit from an amorous swan, if you catch my meaning), I give this True Blood CHARACTER: 1!
Apollo (Dialogue): There is a certain cadence to the speech of the American Southern. It is the most musical of the American accents, and I often wish it was the dominant instead of the flat Midwest and unremarkable West-Coast speech patterns. True Blood certainly gives one a taste of the delicious Southern sounds and slang. Oddly, the immortal vampire Bill displays none of the lyrical patterns of the classical Southern gentleman, but this I can forgive. Then there is the actual content of said dialogue. It is either painfully obvious, almost to the level of "I FEEL ANGRY," or so oblique as to lose all meaning. Perhaps subtext can be garnered if one digs deep enough, but I doubt its existence. Dialogue: Style 3, Substance 1 -- rounds to 2.
Athena (Intelligence): This show angers me, especially coming from the subtle Alan Ball. Within thirty seconds of viewing, the vampires' metaphor becomes clear: they represent ethnic minorities and the way they are marginalized in American culture. Additionally, because of the "coming out of hiding" portion of the story, they may represent the homosexual population. This is a fair and perfectly respectable metaphor, if perhaps a bit overused. However, the metaphor in True Blood is as subtle as Dionysos's flirtation -- and because of its portrayal, just as unwanted. It is my argument that a concept as rich in history as the vampire has far more potential than as a simple racism metaphor, but investigating vampiric subculture seems to be outside the scope of True Blood -- which makes the vampires no more than a clumsy substitute for a real series about factual racism. As an additional pet peeve shared between myself, Artemis, and Pan, True Blood’s vampires’ fangs come from their incisors rather than their canines, which is just ridiculous – fangs are extended canines! They just are! Take a look at any animal with fangs! Ahem. Excuse me. I lost my calm for a moment. In short, Intelligence: 1
Dionysos (Fun): Gakh! The second series in a row without a sense of humor. Or drinking (wine, not blood), or revelry. While there is explicit sex -- or at least, as explicit as American television dares to go. You are all prudes, and need to, as a nation, have a glass of my finest wines. Or twenty. Where was I? Yes, explicit sex -- which True Blood manages to strip of all its appeal, as if plain nudity were enough to stir a true man (or God)'s loins. Ecch. And, as Hephaestos mentioned in his stolid way, I could not find enough to drink to make this show go by quickly. Boooring! I certainly hope the next show we watch has a little more whimsy (and maybe some more sex). Fun: 1
Hermes: Whoof! That's negative, don'tcha think? The only one who had anything positive to say was Apollo, and that's only because he's got a thing for Southern accents. True Blood has served up a resounding 1.

All scores are from 1-5
Hephaestos (Plot): 1
Zeus (Character): 1
Apollo (Dialogue): 2
Athena (Intelligence): 1
Dionysos (Fun): 1
Hermes (Overall): 1

Next up: A (per)version of us -- Aphrodite and Eros star in Valentine.