Shows We Don't Watch: Action L-Z

Shows We Don't Watch: Action L-Z

The Law & Order Franchise

Zeus: I shall rant again on the topic of mortal lawmen. We do not care if some mundane murderer is caught or not, especially when both they and their pursuers are dull -- which is certainly true of the Law & Order characters. The characterization of the original L&O is close to nonexistent -- but SVU improves on the original series' format through the rich characterization of Benson and Stabler. However, Apollo and I eventually came to realize that the writers were never going to spend enough time on the characters to actually do anything with them, and we lost interest. Criminal Intent is just Vincent D’Onofrio chewing scenery.

Life

Dionysos: The premise is bizarre but fun -- cop goes to goes to jail for twenty years, gets out, goes back to the police force -- but it’s a cop show, so Zeus won’t let me watch it. Maybe one day…

The Mentalist

Zeus: The Mentalist features an interesting premise and a decent script, but is ruined by the cast. Though it is yet another procedural, the premise -- a former magician and fake psychic works as a consultant for the police -- promised enough characterization to be interesting. The lead figures out crimes by figuring out people’s psyches the way most TV detectives figure out physical evidence. The problem is, Simon Baker plays the titular “mentalist” with an incredibly irritating mix of vague stares and scenery-chewing overacting. Seriously. A lot of vague stares. Let’s see how he likes staring vaguely after he’s BEEN HIT BY A LIGHTNING BOLT! Given that The Mentalist has just been picked up for a full season, this irritation with the lead must not be shared by all mortals, but it does mean that whatever great things this show may or may not do, we won’t be able to stand watching them.

NCIS

Ares: For a series about the military, there is shockingly little violence.

Numb3rs

Athena: Unsurprisingly, I enjoy the premise of this series. Numb3rs glamorizes mathematics, the purest of all intellectual pursuits, by using them -- as so often on TV -- to fight crime. It was intriguing and fresh -- for about a season and a half, when they ran out of ways to apply mathematics to the FBI, and started re-using ideas and shoehorning in the math. To be fair, we may have been victims of “sophomore slump,” but we have no overriding desire to go back and be sure.

Prison Break

Dionysos: How could a show about a prison break not be fun? Watch Prison Break, and you’ll have the answer. A show with a premise that could only sustain one season has now dragged out into four. Frankly unbelievable, and with an incredibly uncharismatic cast, I quick-draw channel-change after Terminator to avoid even a minute of this.

Robin Hood

Hermes: The umpteenth version of the Robin Hood legend, this BBC show made so little impression on us when we tried it out, we can’t even remember why we decided not to keep watching it.

Sarah Jane Adventures

Hephaestos: I am a great fan of Doctor Who. A man who lives by his wits and his knowledge of technology. Sarah Jane is Doctor Who for kids. Intelligently written. Sarah Jane is the same kind of intellectual hero as the Doctor. The show is very obviously aimed at children and excludes adult viewers. We cannot watch it. Interesting Who trivia: Sarah Jane Smith showed up on Doctor Who in 1973. The character (and actress) spun off into her own Adventures in 2007. 34 years for her own spin-off. A long time to wait (for a mortal).

Smallville

Athena: We really wish this were a better show. We really, really do. A fascinating premise, with such flawed execution it makes us sad. Superman is the iconic American mythic hero, Heracles for the modern age, and investigating his roots should be fascinating. Unfortunately, poor acting, worse writing, and a Monster of the Week/Teen Soap format makes Smallville an unwatchable nightmare.

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