New Shows: Valentine

Valentine

Hermes: Valentine is an odd duck. It lies at an uncomfortable level -- too weird for the mainstream, but not quirky enough to really hold the attention of the geek crowd. Plus, it’s really quite sappy. The premise is this: Aphrodite, Eros, the Pythia oracle, and for some reason Hercules are still around in the present day, and run a business bringing soul mates together. Needless to say, all of us hate our portrayals. When they realize that they don’t really "get" modern people, they hire a romance novelist to help them out (because all shows need human characters, apparently). Plus Eros has a “lust gun.”

Hephaestos (plot): The plots of Valentine are simple and rote. They have no complex twists or challenging concepts. They are straightforward and easy to understand, for good and bad. The presence of the supernatural is low for a show about the Olympians. The Gods switch between completely downplaying their godlike-ness (the only real supernatural powers we’ve seen are the aforementioned lust gun and the oracle seeing the future in a Jacuzzi) and explaining ad nauseum the history and role of the Gods (which they get all wrong). On the good side, the man who plays me is very attractive and relatively true to me, except missing my limp. Plot: 2.

Zeus (character): GODS ARE MAJESTIC! GODS ARE WONDROUS! GODS HAVE NO NEED FOR MORTALS! However, Eros really is the bonehead that Valentine portrays. The soul mates that form the core of each episode are really, really sweet with each other, which is heartwarming if you're as sappy as Hestia or Hermes, or STOMACH-TURNING IF YOU ARE KING OF THE GODS! Valentine never spends more than the teaser setting up the love between the soul mates -- and it is unneeded, because Fate says they belong together. I know the power of Destiny -- destiny was the only reason my own father failed to murder me. For mortals, the destiny-over-character-development may be distasteful. Character: 3.

Apollo (dialogue): The dialogue is simple but effective -- except when the writers try to reach beyond their limits. Then their hubris takes them down. The best example is the third episode, in which a brilliant playwright teaches a famous sex symbol to be a great actress. The problem came during the climax, in which a "great" scene was "wonderfully" acted in the show-within-a-show -- or rather, the actress gave atrociously bad writing a laughable performance. These writers have no poetry in their souls. Dialogue: 2.

Athena (intelligence): Valentine, while admittedly "cute" (a description I disdain), is aimed at the lowest of all possible denominators. The Olympian characters have for some reason renamed themselves with names like Grace (Aphrodite) and Danny (Eros). The plots are simplistic, the characters stereotypes. These writers use their brains only for cooling their blood, not for thinking. Intelligence: 1.

Dionysos (fun): My family has so much bad to say about Valentine. Personally, I look forward to seeing myself on it. The show is irrevent, a bit tongue-in-cheek, and has really fun, if improbable, situations. Plus, the cast and writing are S-E-X-X-Y. I mean, Eros has a lust gun! Fun: 4.

Hermes (overall): This is an odd little show. We think it lives on a tightrope between too weird and too normal, and it’s probably going to fall off soon. Overall: 2.5.


All scores are from 1 (bad) - 5 (good)
Hephaestos (Plot): 2
Zeus (Character): 3
Apollo (Dialogue): 2
Athena (Intelligence): 1
Dionysos (Fun): 4
Hermes (Overall): 2.5

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