Shows We Don't Watch: Action A-K

Look below for a special guest appearance by Hades, Lord of the Dead!

Shows We Don't Watch (and why)

Action

24

Athena: In the first two (maybe three or even four, depending on if you're more like me or Ares) seasons, this was one of the most innovative, exciting shows on TV. However, the writing staff has a practice of deliberately only planning about two or three episodes ahead, to provide more “spontaneity.” I call it a Tragically stupid idea -- their decision to keep things fresh by not planning ahead meant that after a while, this meant that they were constantly reusing old storylines because they couldn’t be bothered to take the time to come up with new ones. This is a plan that backfired on them as badly as Cronus trying to kill Papa Zeus when he was a baby. This, plus the 24 tendency to kill off everyone the audience was starting to care about means that we don’t watch Jack Bauer anymore.

Cold Case

Zeus: We have little interest in shows about enforcing the laws of Man. In my own bailiwick, Cold Case, like most procedurals, spends too much time investigating the crimes and not enough time investigating the inner turmoil of the characters.

Criminal Minds

HADES: HELLO. I AM HADES, GOD OF THE DEAD. YOU MAY CALL ME DL (FOR DARK LORD). I HAVE A PREDELICTION FOR STORIES ABOUT SERIAL KILLERS. THE OTHERS CALL ME MORBID, AND ALLOW ME TO WATCH ONLY DEXTER TO FILL MY CRAVING. I AM SAD.

The CSI franchise

Zeus: There used to be cowboys on TV. I like cowboys. They have an elemental honor to them, like the Heroes of old. Now there are procedurals, walking through the dry and boring steps of dry and boring Mortal law officers. And CSI is the ur-procedural, which started them all. FOR THIS, I SHALL SMITE JERRY BRUCKHEIMER, AND CURSE HIS LINE FOREVER!!!

Fear Itself

Zeus: A horror anthology show. I disapprove of anthology shows. The advantage TV has over movies, the reason I allowed it to be created, is to explore character deeply week-by-week. With no recurring characters, the allure is gone.

Knight Rider

Dionysos: We didn't expect much from this one -- just a fun, popcorn-and-wine romp. But no. It's so stupid, it's not even fun! I made it at most ten minutes before I not only turned it off, but got Hephaestos to smash the TV with a hammer. Incredibly bad plotting, dialogue, fight scenes, acting -- merciful Zeus, EVERYTHING -- immediately told us THIS IS A WASTE OF PERFECTLY GOOD FILM.