Cancellations: Athena both exults and rants; Dionysos and Hades merely weep.

Athena: The fools at ABC have made a grievous error. The magnificent show Pushing Daisies, one of the most intelligent programs on network TV, has been canceled. The thirteen episodes made for the 2nd season shall be the last of Daisies, unless creator Bryan Fuller succeeds in his stated plans of following the show up with a DC comic book and/or a feature film. And all this before I even had the chance to sing the praises of Daisies here on TV Gods. We Olympians bid a fond farewell to this charming series that pleased us all.

Hades: I MUST SPEAK. DAISIES GAVE RESPECT TO THE DEAD -- AND THE "ALIVE AGAIN", IN A WAY UNCOMMON ON TELEVISION. NOW THEY HAVE TAKEN IT AWAY, AND THE DEAD AND I ARE ALONE AGAIN. I WEEP.

Athena: On the other hand, the series that I found most antagonistic, the intensely stupid and slanderous (if, in Dionysos's opinion, "fun") Valentine was canceled by the CW. In fact, CW's Sunday night programming had been handed off to a new company, Media Rights Capital, and now the CW is regretting that move, breaking off ties to MRC and canceling all their shows -- Valentine, Easy Money, 4Real, and In Harm's Way. I am exultant, for Valentine treated its viewers like Romans.

Hermes: A quick note. Athena is not up-to-date on "PC" language. On behalf of TV Gods, I'd like to retract her implication that Romans are stupid, uncultured boors, and instead replace the word "Romans" with "blonds."


Dionysos: i've been drinking. i've always been drinking, but i drank a lot. now. a little big ago. cause valentine was fun. it was sexy and fun and even hephaestos was pretty and i wanted to see how they cast me and i'm sad now. BACCHAE! Come! Please me!


Hermes: In other renewal/cancellation news: Terminator was renewed through the season (as we previously reported); Life on Mars got another four episodes, it has yet to get a full-season pickup; Eli Stone and Dirty Sexy Money also fell to the ABC chopping block. Further updates as the rest of the networks make their decisions.

Shows We Don't Watch: Action A-K

Look below for a special guest appearance by Hades, Lord of the Dead!

Shows We Don't Watch (and why)

Action

24

Athena: In the first two (maybe three or even four, depending on if you're more like me or Ares) seasons, this was one of the most innovative, exciting shows on TV. However, the writing staff has a practice of deliberately only planning about two or three episodes ahead, to provide more “spontaneity.” I call it a Tragically stupid idea -- their decision to keep things fresh by not planning ahead meant that after a while, this meant that they were constantly reusing old storylines because they couldn’t be bothered to take the time to come up with new ones. This is a plan that backfired on them as badly as Cronus trying to kill Papa Zeus when he was a baby. This, plus the 24 tendency to kill off everyone the audience was starting to care about means that we don’t watch Jack Bauer anymore.

Cold Case

Zeus: We have little interest in shows about enforcing the laws of Man. In my own bailiwick, Cold Case, like most procedurals, spends too much time investigating the crimes and not enough time investigating the inner turmoil of the characters.

Criminal Minds

HADES: HELLO. I AM HADES, GOD OF THE DEAD. YOU MAY CALL ME DL (FOR DARK LORD). I HAVE A PREDELICTION FOR STORIES ABOUT SERIAL KILLERS. THE OTHERS CALL ME MORBID, AND ALLOW ME TO WATCH ONLY DEXTER TO FILL MY CRAVING. I AM SAD.

The CSI franchise

Zeus: There used to be cowboys on TV. I like cowboys. They have an elemental honor to them, like the Heroes of old. Now there are procedurals, walking through the dry and boring steps of dry and boring Mortal law officers. And CSI is the ur-procedural, which started them all. FOR THIS, I SHALL SMITE JERRY BRUCKHEIMER, AND CURSE HIS LINE FOREVER!!!

Fear Itself

Zeus: A horror anthology show. I disapprove of anthology shows. The advantage TV has over movies, the reason I allowed it to be created, is to explore character deeply week-by-week. With no recurring characters, the allure is gone.

Knight Rider

Dionysos: We didn't expect much from this one -- just a fun, popcorn-and-wine romp. But no. It's so stupid, it's not even fun! I made it at most ten minutes before I not only turned it off, but got Hephaestos to smash the TV with a hammer. Incredibly bad plotting, dialogue, fight scenes, acting -- merciful Zeus, EVERYTHING -- immediately told us THIS IS A WASTE OF PERFECTLY GOOD FILM.

Categories

Hermes: Now that we're done with the reviews of the (rather underwhelming) new shows of 2008, we move on to a rather more epic task -- a capsule review of every scripted show we’re aware of (that’s still airing). We're going to divide these into several groups:

-Shows We Don't Watch (And Why): There are a lot of shows out there unworthy of the Olympians, and we're going to tell you why you shouldn't either. That, or one of us (usually Zeus) has a personal dislike for a show, and promises to do something unpleasant (usually hit me with a thunderbolt) if we put the show on. We'll tell you which is which.

-Shows That Aren't Currently Airing (But Which We Will Review When They Are): There are a lot of shows, from Battlestar Galactica to Lost that we enjoy but which aren't airing until the spring/summer/whatever. We encourage you to grab DVDs or torrent downloads or whatever of these shows, so that you'll be conversant when we start reviewing them.

-Shows We Watch (And Will Review): The capsule show reviews will come when we write the first episode review for each show, but we'll list what shows you can expect to see in this space every week.

Our show reviews will be divided into the three basic genres: Action, Comedy, and Drama. Needless to say, not every show falls into only one category, and we’ll redirect those who are looking for Pushing Daisies under Drama, or what have you, but this is simpler than creating umpteen-million categories.

Another note is that, though this list will be heavily weighted towards sci-fi and fantasy shows (as Hestia is the only one who likes soaps, and she refuses to be involved in this “internet fad”), we don’t believe sci-fi or fantasy are actually their own genres. They are settings. They have certain conventions, but to try and place 3rd Rock From The Sun and The X-Files in the same genre is a fool’s errand.

End of Fall Premieres

Hermes: All right, TV fans. That’s all the fall series premieres we’re aware of. We’re happy to hear about others we missed, so we can give them a shot—or some arguments on our judgment. Just don’t expect Ares to be sympathetic to Kath and Kim-lovers.

You may note that we judged this fall’s new shows rather harshly, not giving anything a higher overall score than “3”. This isn’t because we hate mortal TV, only that we haven’t been wowed by anything that started this season. You’ll see a much higher score on some of our favorite shows.

New Shows: Worst Week

Worst Week

Hermes: I am going to hand off this short review to Athena, who feels like ranting.



Athena: Here we have another dismally failed comedy (and BBC import/remake). It takes the basic methodology of slapstick, takes away everything that makes it funny, and stretches it into twenty-two minutes. I watched the first half of the first episode and speared the TV. After a short introduction to the lead character, during which we got little information except “he’s a nice guy” and “he likes his girlfriend,” bad things started happening to him. No rhyme or reason, no interesting reactions from him, no tragic Destiny, not even very interesting bad things. Just shitty stuff happening to a nice guy. Sure, that might be funny for about two minutes, but you cannot sustain an entire show, let alone an entire series, on this premise. Beat the producers to death with sticks. Straight 1 on all counts!

Hermes: Whoo! Deadly! Here we go--




All scores are from 1 (bad) - 5 (good)
Hephaestos (Plot): 1
Zeus (Character): 1
Apollo (Dialogue): 1
Athena (Intelligence): 1
Dionysos (Fun): 1
Hermes (Overall): 1

New Shows: Valentine

Valentine

Hermes: Valentine is an odd duck. It lies at an uncomfortable level -- too weird for the mainstream, but not quirky enough to really hold the attention of the geek crowd. Plus, it’s really quite sappy. The premise is this: Aphrodite, Eros, the Pythia oracle, and for some reason Hercules are still around in the present day, and run a business bringing soul mates together. Needless to say, all of us hate our portrayals. When they realize that they don’t really "get" modern people, they hire a romance novelist to help them out (because all shows need human characters, apparently). Plus Eros has a “lust gun.”

Hephaestos (plot): The plots of Valentine are simple and rote. They have no complex twists or challenging concepts. They are straightforward and easy to understand, for good and bad. The presence of the supernatural is low for a show about the Olympians. The Gods switch between completely downplaying their godlike-ness (the only real supernatural powers we’ve seen are the aforementioned lust gun and the oracle seeing the future in a Jacuzzi) and explaining ad nauseum the history and role of the Gods (which they get all wrong). On the good side, the man who plays me is very attractive and relatively true to me, except missing my limp. Plot: 2.

Zeus (character): GODS ARE MAJESTIC! GODS ARE WONDROUS! GODS HAVE NO NEED FOR MORTALS! However, Eros really is the bonehead that Valentine portrays. The soul mates that form the core of each episode are really, really sweet with each other, which is heartwarming if you're as sappy as Hestia or Hermes, or STOMACH-TURNING IF YOU ARE KING OF THE GODS! Valentine never spends more than the teaser setting up the love between the soul mates -- and it is unneeded, because Fate says they belong together. I know the power of Destiny -- destiny was the only reason my own father failed to murder me. For mortals, the destiny-over-character-development may be distasteful. Character: 3.

Apollo (dialogue): The dialogue is simple but effective -- except when the writers try to reach beyond their limits. Then their hubris takes them down. The best example is the third episode, in which a brilliant playwright teaches a famous sex symbol to be a great actress. The problem came during the climax, in which a "great" scene was "wonderfully" acted in the show-within-a-show -- or rather, the actress gave atrociously bad writing a laughable performance. These writers have no poetry in their souls. Dialogue: 2.

Athena (intelligence): Valentine, while admittedly "cute" (a description I disdain), is aimed at the lowest of all possible denominators. The Olympian characters have for some reason renamed themselves with names like Grace (Aphrodite) and Danny (Eros). The plots are simplistic, the characters stereotypes. These writers use their brains only for cooling their blood, not for thinking. Intelligence: 1.

Dionysos (fun): My family has so much bad to say about Valentine. Personally, I look forward to seeing myself on it. The show is irrevent, a bit tongue-in-cheek, and has really fun, if improbable, situations. Plus, the cast and writing are S-E-X-X-Y. I mean, Eros has a lust gun! Fun: 4.

Hermes (overall): This is an odd little show. We think it lives on a tightrope between too weird and too normal, and it’s probably going to fall off soon. Overall: 2.5.


All scores are from 1 (bad) - 5 (good)
Hephaestos (Plot): 2
Zeus (Character): 3
Apollo (Dialogue): 2
Athena (Intelligence): 1
Dionysos (Fun): 4
Hermes (Overall): 2.5

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

New Shows: True Blood

True Blood
Hermes: The newest creation by the man behind Six Feet Under and American Beauty, True Blood has gotten a lot of critical acclaim and favorable reviews by respected mortals. And we must say, we are mystified as to why. We watched the pilot, and we didn’t see one thing in it we liked.
Hephaestos (Plot): The first premise, the foundation of True Blood's world, is interesting. Vampires come into the open when the chirurgeons, followers of Asklepios, develop synthetic human blood. The second premise is stranger and a shaky foundation: a Southern waitress is telepathic. She hears thoughts, and cannot shut them out, finding herself terribly burdened by constant bombardment by the thoughts of everyone around. Hence, is instantly attracted to a vampire who comes to town, because she cannot hear his thoughts. This romance would be hard-pressed to sustain a series, and there is little else of substance that occurs in this show -- its pace is very slow. Very little. Happens. In any. Given. Episode. Like watching. Steel. Harden. Plot: 1
Zeus (Character): Romance. Romancing. SEX. Vital components of almost any story, and certainly many of my own. It is a strong, but difficult, relationship on which to hang a story. It depends on a man and a woman (or a woman and a God, or two women, or a man and a goat...) who complement each other, who have what Aphrodite calls "chemistry." In television, the actors must also have this "chemistry." Series leads Sookie and Bill (Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer) have NONE! Their romance is not even synthetic, it is IMAGINARY. We must believe Sookie when she raves about Bill to others, but I see no interest between them in their scenes together (and I see ALL!) The other characters are the oldest archetypes -- in a tired, overused fashion: The flamboyantly gay cook; the sassy Black best friend (oh, the Carthaginian jokes we had in my day...); the rash brother, and the saintly grandmother. For making me hate mortals, even Anna Paquin (who must expect a visit from an amorous swan, if you catch my meaning), I give this True Blood CHARACTER: 1!
Apollo (Dialogue): There is a certain cadence to the speech of the American Southern. It is the most musical of the American accents, and I often wish it was the dominant instead of the flat Midwest and unremarkable West-Coast speech patterns. True Blood certainly gives one a taste of the delicious Southern sounds and slang. Oddly, the immortal vampire Bill displays none of the lyrical patterns of the classical Southern gentleman, but this I can forgive. Then there is the actual content of said dialogue. It is either painfully obvious, almost to the level of "I FEEL ANGRY," or so oblique as to lose all meaning. Perhaps subtext can be garnered if one digs deep enough, but I doubt its existence. Dialogue: Style 3, Substance 1 -- rounds to 2.
Athena (Intelligence): This show angers me, especially coming from the subtle Alan Ball. Within thirty seconds of viewing, the vampires' metaphor becomes clear: they represent ethnic minorities and the way they are marginalized in American culture. Additionally, because of the "coming out of hiding" portion of the story, they may represent the homosexual population. This is a fair and perfectly respectable metaphor, if perhaps a bit overused. However, the metaphor in True Blood is as subtle as Dionysos's flirtation -- and because of its portrayal, just as unwanted. It is my argument that a concept as rich in history as the vampire has far more potential than as a simple racism metaphor, but investigating vampiric subculture seems to be outside the scope of True Blood -- which makes the vampires no more than a clumsy substitute for a real series about factual racism. As an additional pet peeve shared between myself, Artemis, and Pan, True Blood’s vampires’ fangs come from their incisors rather than their canines, which is just ridiculous – fangs are extended canines! They just are! Take a look at any animal with fangs! Ahem. Excuse me. I lost my calm for a moment. In short, Intelligence: 1
Dionysos (Fun): Gakh! The second series in a row without a sense of humor. Or drinking (wine, not blood), or revelry. While there is explicit sex -- or at least, as explicit as American television dares to go. You are all prudes, and need to, as a nation, have a glass of my finest wines. Or twenty. Where was I? Yes, explicit sex -- which True Blood manages to strip of all its appeal, as if plain nudity were enough to stir a true man (or God)'s loins. Ecch. And, as Hephaestos mentioned in his stolid way, I could not find enough to drink to make this show go by quickly. Boooring! I certainly hope the next show we watch has a little more whimsy (and maybe some more sex). Fun: 1
Hermes: Whoof! That's negative, don'tcha think? The only one who had anything positive to say was Apollo, and that's only because he's got a thing for Southern accents. True Blood has served up a resounding 1.

All scores are from 1-5
Hephaestos (Plot): 1
Zeus (Character): 1
Apollo (Dialogue): 2
Athena (Intelligence): 1
Dionysos (Fun): 1
Hermes (Overall): 1

Next up: A (per)version of us -- Aphrodite and Eros star in Valentine.